Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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