I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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