let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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