i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
