Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
