I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
