There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
