Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
