Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
