Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You are a genius and a whore.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
