So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize