Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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