i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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