I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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