i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
