If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Thank you for not boning my boss.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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