every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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