I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
