I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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