I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize