party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
