you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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