I faked an abortion last night.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
