Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
