Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
