Non-Jews are for practice
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
