The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
