you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
