he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
