Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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