He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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