White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
