Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
