My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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