Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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