Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
