turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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