If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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