i wish my penis had a tongue
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
