So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
