Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
