how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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