you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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