Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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