Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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