Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
