is your mom at the bar?
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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