Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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