Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
people are starting to question the shark bite story
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We talked him into tasing himself.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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