Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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