i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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