Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
