So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize