I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
