Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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