don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
