I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize