My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize
