happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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