So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
