my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
