i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
