I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
