i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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