If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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