I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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