The best revenge is premature balding
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So much rum. So many feels.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
