in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
