living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
